2013 - the write year?

At any point in time, I have zillions of things on my mind that I want to write about. A natural by-product of being observant and opinionated! Both a good and a bad things depending on the context. Anyway, so someone once suggested that I start making notes of these topics and blog about them in my spare time. I did precisely that, until my notepad ran out of pages, but spare time, there hasn't been any for many years now. I do miss having spare time once in a while though am largely alright without it. What I miss a lot however is spelling out my opinions, and I really hope that 2013 sees more of my thoughts being penned down here and even elsewhere. So the new year resolution is  to write more, probably during breaks and bus rides, even if it means writing shorter and erratic posts.

Alvida Nani!

My nani passed away on Monday evening! It wasn't an unexpected news. A severe diabetic, she had been  extremely ill for over 3 years now. Lately she had stopped recognizing anyone, and even eating anything.

Although I cared a lot about her, I was not particularly close to her, or am to anyone in my maternal family. But its the sense of loss that's been upsetting me over the last few days. Why do we have to lose our loved ones? Or anyone who we care about! If all of us have to die one day then can't we all go together. The agony of losing someone you love and the silent suffering of being left devoid of the company of someone you care about, is unbearable.

The first time I experienced it was when my grandfather passed away. I was quite angry at "death", and quite shattered by my loss. I was terrified to think ahead of a time when I may lose everyone I love, and since then I often get these thoughts. When I do, I feel as if someone is trying to squeeze and strangle my heart, and suddenly I can't breathe anymore. I find it so very difficult to come to terms with this phenomenon "death". Seriously, why does it have to happen! And what if we can't bear the bereavement!

My nana and nani are model grandparents in many ways. They have always been very modern in their outlook! Recently we discovered that my nani had signed up for donating not just her eyes but also her body to as "a cadaver" to a medical college. (The medical colleges in India face a huge dearth of cadavers). Although I am two generations younger than my nani, yet the thought of a bunch of medical students or amateurs cutting across nani's body senselessly, and then probably dissecting her internal organs is very very disturbing for me. I sincerely hope they treat it with some respect, and pray for her safe journey to the next world. RIP nani!

Sweetest Love, I do not go

Just a week to go before its time for me to head to Chicagoland again. The mere thought of living apart from Raghav again after the three beautiful months that I spent with him in our lovely house in Austin numbs me. I can often see Raghav wailing through his eyes, and notice how hard he tries to suppress his whimpers for he knows that crying out loud would just make it more difficult for me to live apart from him for two more years. Its tough, very tough, especially if you love one another so much, care for each-other such. I can only hope that the time just flies by!

My last three months with Raghav have been a sort of a Delhi recap albeit with a better lifestyle. The only exception being that I have been a total house-wife, and a wee-bit more shopaholic than usual. But hey, I had to do-up the entire house, and damn those catalogs for making me spend a few extra $$$ once in a while. I also realized how immobile I was in the US at times without a car, and loved driving around, window-shopping or just idling into cafes in Austin. Just like the old times in Bangalore and in Delhi! There were days when I would drop Raghav at work and just venture out until it was time to pick him up back again. I will miss this vela-panti, undoubtedly my favorite pastime in recent times, and will miss my home, and probably some great coffee! 

More than that however I will miss Raghav. I'll miss my day starting with him gently waking me up in the morn (it will soon be replaced with a harsh alarm, thankfully with a snooze function) and eventually murmuring - 'You look sleepy. Carry on sleeping. I'll have cereals for breakfast and buy lunch at work!' No, I would reply and toss out of bed promptly, to cook for him a fresh, hot breakfast and pack a light meal for lunch. At times he has been too harsh on himself, and been very guilty indeed, for making me go through "this" (read: cooking). Little does he know how contented I feel by doing just this tiny bit for him!

Digression alert: Well whoever said that 'the way to a man's heart is through his tummy' definitely didn't include my husband in his sample. Or is my husband an aberration? Whatever, but Raghav firmly believes that I rather utilize my time doing "more important" things that include just about everything from reading (even a fiction) to chatting-up with an old friend to watching a movie. And he definitely "appreciates" if I can substitute 'the cooking time' with the likes of 'reading the Wall Street Journal'. "You again cooked, ah, why did you waste your time? We could have ordered from some place or had pulao or sandwiches", he can be heard mumbling everyday!

I will miss ironing Raghav's shirt (yes, finally, I learnt how to iron clothes!) and looking for matching cuff links for his shirts. I will miss his chants of 'Hanuman Chalisa' and 'Gajendra Moksh'. I have barely caught on to even a sentence of these during the last seven years that I have known him for. Guess he has never tried to teach me and I have never tried to learn either, and yet our relationship has grown only stronger, much stronger. To hear him sing bhajans at times, mostly while praying, is beautiful. He probably sounds so sweet because he sings from his heart. Most things that he says and does are from the heart, which makes me wonder how can someone be so honest and true, and be that always! Coming from a near-atheist background, let me admit that Raghav's piousness was a turn-on. I mean, I had never seen a guy pray, really!

Finally getting Raghav to step aside from the mirror, where he spends atleast 10 minutes (okay, slight exaggeration) combing and settling the only 101 hair (or 102? I couldn't have missed the count by a margin more than this) left on his head (-'thanks to getting married while I was still so young', he would joke about the hairfall), and stationing him at the breakfast table is a task in itself. In the meantime, I would pack his bag, basically his laptop and the 'tiffin' box, for him and get together his accessories aka specs, watch, wallet and access card. Often socks and handkerchief too! How house-wifey is that, and doesn't it sound like a lot of fun. It really is, and I loved every minute of it! Well, at last the kiddo, is ready to go (to school, it seems), and its time to bid the baby a bye (I love alliterations, even the forced ones like these). How I will miss this! 

Raghav has been prodding me off-late with his repeated 'Why aren't you excited? You are going to KKAAAYYY.. LOOOOGGGGG!' I am excited, very excited, and really looking forward to it, but well you now know what I am giving up for Kellogg for the next two years, so much love, happiness and contentment. (A barter worth it, I hope). If it wasn't for Raghav being overjoyed and dancing non-stop for two full days, just about everywhere in the house, after checking on my admissions decision (from Kellogg), who knows I may have been a proud Longhorn instead :)

Finally, a few lines from one of my favorite metaphysical poets , John Donne:

Sweetest love, I do not go,

For weariness of thee,

Nor in hope the world can show

A fitter love for me; .........

Yesternight the sun went hence,

And yet is here today;

He hath no desire nor sense,

Nor half so short a way:

Then fear not me,

But believe that I shall make

Speedier journeys, since I take

More wings and spurs than he.

(Paraphrase, in my words: If the sun can go round the world in just 24 hours, without any passion or desire to reunite with anyone, then I, who love you so much and long to be with you, would definitely be back faster than the sun!)

Rarest of weekends

Strange things happened this weekend. Raghav and I fought, which is very rare. Yes, we don't fight. We only get upset from one-another for a while, say for 10 minutes, once in a while. Alright, actually often.

Then we went shopping. Again rare. Raghav spent most of his time in the 'Home' section. Very rare. He was found ogling at dinner sets and turning to me to say 'Can we give the Corelle dinner set (bought two weeks back) to your mom and buy this red one instead?'. Very very rare. Both Raghav saying something like that and pointing to a bright red one. And he actually fell for and couldn't resist buying a set of 'oven to table' bowls. Indeed rare. Green in color. Rare again. I literally had to pull him out of  the section, but not before we had half a dozen high-ball glasses and a mug in the cart. How rare is that!

While checking-out, our total was $25. A bit odd since we had bought a pair of shorts for $25 along with sundry items (that we didn't really need)! So we checked on it and returned to the cashier to complain that she didn't bill us for the shorts. Her reply, 'I tried thrice but it would just beep repeatedly. So you are good!'. Raghav, making a weirdly disgusting face, 'You sure?', and the amused cashier's reply was 'Yes!'. Now that doesn't happen even once in a blue moon.

To add to the rarity, Raghav spent the Saturday night working until 6.30 am, and I actually cooked all meals at home. A very unusual weekend I say!

Brother, baby and Bridesmaid!

Being eleven years younger than me, as he is, I have never had the sibling love for my youngest brother Namit. He has always been a baby to me! I can distinctly remember the day when he, barely three-days old, arrived home from the hospital. I was a bit unhappy then about him happening to Naman and I, but the very moment I saw his petite form, my heart just melted like sugar on fresh hot doughnuts. Then when I held him in my arms, very fearfully, something changed in me forever that very moment. I felt motherly affection towards him. I felt very protective towards him. I felt very responsible for him.

Over the years however he proved that he was more responsible than anyone else in my house. Those who are familiar with my family, would know that we are a crazy lot. We love each-other a lot, but don't exactly get along all the time; but when we do, we are the best of pals. Everyone in my house is very very pampered by everyone else, and everyone loves throwing tantrums, thankfully not at the same time. Namit, the youngest member of the household, surprisingly behaves as the oldest and is definitely the most mature amongst us all. Throws the least tantrums and fits, is very measured in words and balanced in deeds. In short, he gets along with everyone everytime, and is everyone's favorites. Digression Alert: Result - Extremely pampered, and gets everything he sets his eyes on!

The point I am trying to make is that he really is 'rational', or can be reasoned with, a quality very rare in my family's blood. I recall when he was barely two and half, Namit and I walked past a fancy toy shop and he absolutely loved a toy that turned out to be one of the most expensive toys in the shop. (Don't they always do!). Being older, I just didn't see any value in spending so much on a toy, so I just told him that 'we can't buy the toy because its very expensive' least expecting him not to insist. He just cast another quick desirable look at it, and then said 'I understand. I don't want it'. I hadn't even told him that I didn't have the money because I did, and probably I was going to buy myself prob something as silly with it, but he actually understood that it was not worth it.

Talk about responsibility, he anticipates everyone's needs. He knows what we would need in foreseeable future and acts accordingly in time, often before time. He feels responsible for us, for our happiness, our well-being and our safety. For instance, he would check to make sure that all the doors in the house are locked before going to bed every night. Talk about Naman or I doing that - never! Not until we were asked to. 

Oh, I remember how I used to hate going to school (I was in Grade VII) and not being able to just watch him, the toddler, yawn or smile in his sleep instead (he slept the whole day!). Time passed, and soon it was time for me to head to the boarding school when Namit was three. I was so jealous of Naman who got Namit's undivided attention while I was gone. Ever since, I had always spent a few days of holidays with Namit whenever I visited home until he decided to move in with me in Delhi for an year.

I loved having the baby back all to myself, and his undivided attention. Raghav often jokingly grumbled that I loved Namit more than him, and spent more time with him. I sure did. Raghav, you were joking and it was serious! Being pampered and pampering is in my blood after all! Namit was calm and balanced, very aware of his limits and was very wary of them. When I threw tantrums at Raghav, which is naturally not a rare phenomenon, he tried to do the balancing act. Once when I left the dining table after a rage of fit, which was quite short-lived, he said to Raghav, 'Didi has been upset lately because of the pressure of her office work. She has been a little grumpy with me as well!' Well, he just made it up. He was just trying to make Raghav feel better at the moment, and of-course it worked. Raghav was pleased at his ingenuity and warmth.

He insisted on a single bed in his room, probably he knew that if he has a queen, I may often sleep in his room to give him company while he was up studying until late. So I often told him to come and sleep with us, which he did at times according to his discretion. Once however Raghav got upset with me and slept on the couch (the only time he has slept on the couch) hoping that I would come to fetch him back, which I sure would have had I not just dozed off unintentionally. In the meantime, I had told Namit to definitely sleep in our room, which was much warmer than his (it was a cold day), especially since I was anyway sleeping alone there by then. Of-course I intended to bring Raghav back, but the three of us could comfortably hop-on to the huge bed. But then I dozed off unintentionally and Namit decided it was perhaps best that he sleeps in his room. But he also decided to cover the snoring Raghav with his own comforter. When I got up at 3 am, I found myself sleeping alone. (I hate that feeling! I had never slept alone; always slept with my grand mom in childhood and then with dorm-mates or room-mates in hostels.) I also found a shuddering Namit sleeping in a bedsheet, without any heating, in a freezing temperature - and an uncomfortable Raghav sleeping very awkwardly on the couch. Needless to say that I brought them both to my room.

Raghav hates milk, and its a task to get him to agree to drink it and then to get him to finish his mug. Namit, on the other hand, was very particular about milk. He always prepared three glasses of milk at bed time. It was the first time since school that I had milk so regularly. (Raghav couldn't refuse him although he often left a sip or two in his cup.)

After Namit went back home, Raghav missed his movie-buddy, ice-cream buddy and junk food-buddy quite a bit. Both Raghav and Namit wanted to watch every Hollywood movie that was released. We saw the crappiest ones too! I hate watching movies, but these guys were a majority and they just wouldn't let me be home alone. They were also often found glued to the television during and after the dinner time. Namit took almost 40 minutes to finish two chapatis. Courtesy television. Sometimes he actually had the bite in his hand, and his hand just paused close to his chin. He literally forgot to put the bite in his mouth because the television sequence was either very funny (and he was laughing) or very thrilling (and he was engrossed). Needless to say that although Raghav ate quickly, he was also glued to the television that wasn't switched off until I was heard yelling (in the background), which was conveniently ignored by both at times.

They both loved chips - different varieties though, and gorged on a packet every day. Namit went for Uncle Chips Pudina flavor and Raghav liked Lays Classic. I always stocked on both in plenty in my house. And on Hide & Seek, Namit's afternoon snack. The freezer was always filled with different flavors of huge tubs of ice-creams and at Raghav's suggestion, it was decided that they would just eat out of the tubs. Why dirty the bowls? (Read: Its so much work to scoop out the ice-creams in the bowls). Anyway who else is eating out of these tubs? Guests? They shouldn't mind. If it seems like they may, we'll offer them something else. I still recall that I traveled to Bangalore for a day or two for work, and when I got back, these guys picked me up from the airport and on our way back stopped near the Mother Dairy ice-cream shop and were deciding 'which all' tubs to buy. Surprised, I said that we have lots of ice-cream in the freezer, like many tubs, and was told that they ate them all while I was gone! :)

Now, the bridesmaid Namit! So Namit helped me choose most things related to the wedding. I bought my shoes with him, and he gave a nod of approval for everything else that I bought. Infact he also decided on the furniture for our house. (Raghav and I was found arguing indecisively at the furniture stores when Namit decided to take matters in his own hands!)

On the wedding day, Namit came to fetch me from the spa where I was getting ready, and walked with me  all the way to the stage. (Yes, we don't have altars). He held the ends of my lehanga, more to avoid me tripping over it than as a custom, but truly looked like my handsome bridesmaid. He stood on the stage next to where I was sitting through the entire duration of the reception. Like a guard against all evils! True to his rakhi oaths!

Then at some point of time during the reception, I had a little lipstick, and to beat it all, red lipstick, on my front teeth. My mom drew Namit's attention to it, and Namit took out his handkerchief, held my chin, and wiped it clean. Now, isn't that super adorable?

After I was very weary of smiling at strangers in my own wedding, and was very hungry, he escorted me down - again lifting my lehanga and telling me to mind the stairs to avoid tripping over with the heels on, the very shoes he helped me choose. He knew how much I hated (and dreaded) replacing my flats with those.

Most recently, when I got into Kellogg, I actually called him at around 2 am in the morning to tell him about it. He always answers my calls no matter how sound he is sleeping! Actually the catch is that he wakes-up to answer if its really late at night or very early in the morn when everyone is fast asleep - but if its say 10 am and everyone else in the house is up, he would just choose to sleep for he knows that just in case its urgent, others are available. But when they are not, he always is! 

So after I told him about my decision, he was so happy and excited that he was at a loss of words. He mumbled a bit - he didn't say congrats though because he considered it his own achievement, and not just mine. He didn't feel happy 'for me' but 'for us'. Such is his love. Am I not blessed?

Namit is probably the only person who is the best just the way he is. Very rare occurrence, especially in men, isn't it? ;)

Such co-incidences?

There's something providential about the relationships that you cherish. Like today I accidentally dropped the key to my apt on my way back with a huge package in a downpour, and was locked out for almost an hour. Walking back and forth the path that I took, looking desperately for the key, in a frantic rain, for almost an hour, was not fun. I obviously didn't even consider calling Raghav to tell him about this, on the third day of his work, while he was in the middle of a meeting! Finally I did find my key, however, what was surprising was a sudden two second call from Raghav to ask me if "everything was okay". He literally mumbled in a muffled voice and just waited for my "yes" before hanging-up. I have had numerous such experiences with Raghav, and with my mom, and a couple with my brothers and bua too. Can they always be a co-incident?

Excerpts from Brida!

Yes, I thumbed up Coelho again. He is so very philosophical, and wow. Like to read him once in a while, but really just once in a while. I fear that too much of him would turn me into an elusive hermit in search of the meaning of life. Anyway, here are a few excerpts that I appreciated from 'Brida'. Although not one of his best-sellers, it was a popular book. [PS: Wish I could also share my notes from Alchemist and Eleven Minutes, only if I knew where they were now!]

# You can't renounce love in order not to suffer. Its like putting out your own eyes in order not see the bad things in life.

# Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

# Sometimes, certain of God's blessings arrive by shattering all the windows.

# Judging oneself to be inferior to other people was one of the worst acts of pride he knew, because it was the most destructive way of being different.

# Nature is God's signature.

# "I have spread my dreams under your feet,

Tread softly because you tread in my dreams." - Poet WB Yeats

# About the transformation of the holy cross as a symbol of Christianity, and the altered significance of sex!

"A Roman would never enter a building with a cross on it. He would think it was a house of torture ever invented by man. The cross might not have changed, but its meaning certainly has. In the same way, when mankind was closer to God, sex was the symbolic means of communion with the divine, a reencounter with the meaning of life."

# When we are in bed with someone, we're giving permission to that person to commune not only with our body but also with our whole being. The pure forces of life are in communication with each other, independent of us, and then we cannot hide who we are.

#"Right now, while we are eating, ninety-nine percent of the people on this planet are, in their own way, struggling with the question 'Why are we here?' Many think they've found the answer in religion or in materialism. Others despair and spend their lives and their money trying to grasp the meaning of it all. A few let the question go unanswered and live for the moment, regardless of the results or the consequences. Only a few are aware that the only possible answer to this question is I DON'T KNOW.

The answer might, at first, seem frightening, leaving us terribly vulnerable in our dealings with the world, with the things of the world, and with our own sense of our existence. Once we've got over that initial fear, however, we gradually become accustomed to the only possible solution: to follow our dreams. Having the courage to take the steps we always wanted to take is the only way of showing our trust in God.

As soon as we accept this, life takes on a sacred meaning, and we experience the same emotion the Virgin must have felt when, one afternoon in her otherwise very ordinary existence, a stranger appeared to her and made her an offer. 'Be it unto me according to thy word', said the Virgin. Because she had understood that the greatest thing a human being can do is to accept the Mystery."

# God is in the word. God manifests himself in everything, but the word is his most favored methods of doing so because the word is thought transformed into vibration; you are projecting into the air around you something which, before, was only energy.

# Finally 'Devil is in the Detail'.

Let us roll baby roll!

I am infamous for being late. Always. But today was an exception. I actually managed to leave home by 10.26 AM, which was four minutes before the agreed departure time (agreed between the man and the wife of-course!). And then began the journey of a lifetime. A nearly 29 hour train ride. As much as I would like to call it a cross-country rail trip, it was actually from the Midwest to the South. Simply put, Chicago to Austin.

Was I nervous? Heck yes! Why was I nervous? 29 hours in a train. Ridiculous idea. So said my mind, heart and soul even while I was booking the tickets. Crowd. Fancy spending a day with strangers? I don't! Even worse, sharing the loo. No way! What else. I was skeptical about the crowd. What sort of people really take trains (or rather not fly)? Assuming that they plan well ahead in time and don't book their tickets two days before the d-day when the fare from mid to south is equivalent to mid to trans-Pacific upto trans-English channel. Finally the luxury of being married, and particularly to a husband who is extremely caring, has ensured that I am always guided (I don't mean guarded). Physically or like a GPS. Raghav doesn't think very highly of me when we are talking directions. Neither does anyone else.

Well, to fast forward, I did manage to take the train. On time. This I did after casting lots about whether to go or not to Texas abroad the Texas Eagle 21. The said YES unfortunately.

Its been a fun ride so far. Spent 7 hours in the train so far. Not enough to pass a verdict. Probably that's why I decided to write this entry and say that I M LOVIN IT so far. I totally see myself pulling out my hair by the time the train tromps to Austin.

I also want to thank Jeffrey Archer. I love you Jeff. You made this journey bearable. Actually fun. Until now. How? A Quiver Full of Arrows. More than half way through already. Sigh. I do have a Paulo Coelho but am a bit skeptical about whether I would enjoy him again. Enjoy him. Urrr.

My pack of peanuts has been fun too. How much? Probably two inches by the time I am back to Chi-town.

And guess what, I am carrying my Kellogg blanket for the night. Raghav was gifted the blanket, along with other trivia, as a token of appreciation for his long hours as the Adcom reader. And look who gets to use it!

My bag that I have been told to clutch to my heart, just after my dear life, also deserves a mention. My husband has ensured that I carry three credit cards and keep them at three different places so that losing my bag doesn't mean that I am stranded. Well, but I am to guard my bag dearly for the iPad because in there lies my savior, a zillion movies that Raghav has downloaded for me knowing well that I wouldn't ever watch them under any other circumstances.

More about the interesting people around in my follow-up post tomorrow after I have pulled every hair out of my scalp.

Merits of Hope!

I oscillate between the two extremes of being an eternal optimist and being entirely hopeless. Funny? Indeed! Still trying to figure out which state takes precedence when!

Anyway so just yesterday, when I was in a near-dejected form, Raghav sat me down on his lap and carefully explained to me the merits of hope and why we shouldn't lose hope. After a long discourse, he decided to cite an example - "If I had lost hope, I wouldn't be able to marry you". My quick retort was, "If you are HOPING that one day I will turn into a loving and adorable wife then seriously don't even try to hope". In his reply, Raghav put-on his best Bollywood accent and claimed, "Pyaar mein bahut takat hoti hai" (Love is very powerful). To which I joked in a melodramatic tone, "But I married you for money honey". Raghav's classic end to the discussion, "In that case, tumhara double chutiya kat gaya!" (...translation required!!!)

Darling Darrr-ling!

What's with London's fascination with the word 'darling'? It's one of the few words that everyone in the extremely multicultural city of London seems to have picked up! I am greeted with 'how are you darling' at the grocery stores and 'see you again darling' at the coffee shops; even the Moroccan guy at the dilapidated internet cafe and fax center said a 'thank you darling' after handing me my change. The darling-phrases sure are on everyone's lips, and perhaps also one of those few bits and pieces that every Londoner (referring to those who currently live in the city) seems to have caught-up regardless of whether he or she can otherwise comprehend or speak fluently in English.

Traveling Light

I wouldn't trade a very many good things for the experience of watching a lovely play at the National Theatre in London. The fabulous production 'Traveling Light' in the lovely Lyttelton theatre has truly been a remarkable experience.

What made the production so incredibly beautiful was the superb talent and passion of the actors. I was actually transported into a different era, the late 19th century Britain, and I so felt a part of it. I was truly in the actor's world, and laughed with them, cried with them and got just as startled with them. I would give full credit to the performance of the actors, and not to the script, for the success of this play and also in general. This perhaps is not completely true for cinema where the actor is allowed re-takes and breaks. The actors were actually far too brilliant than what the words can describe, making the play incredibly amazing!

About the play:

The play centers around a remote village in Eastern Europe, from around 1900, where the young Motl Mendl is entranced by the flickering silent images on his father’s cinematograph. Bankrolled by Jacob, the ebullient local timber merchant, and inspired by Anna, the girl sent to help him make moving pictures of their village, he stumbles on a revolutionary way of story-telling. Forty years on, Motl – now a famed American film director – looks back on his early life and confronts the cost of fulfilling his dreams. How had a twenty-two-year–old pretentious layabout made a discovery that would elude every other cinematic pioneer for years to come?

The play is a funny and fascinating tribute to the Eastern European immigrants who became major players in Hollywood’s golden age.

Hither or Thither?

Traveling brights up a spark in me, oh how I love to travel, just walk around unknown streets. I really do lust for it. Off-late, I realized that its not fair to compare places because every city has something new, different and special to offer, and rather than comparing and contrasting, we should try and enjoy such subtleties that appeal to us. I still believe that Paris is the most beautiful city on earth, but its true that I enjoyed myself the most in Rome, and simply fell in love with Scotland. Ah! My dream job would be anything that pays me for traveling, for sheer traveling. I can probably write about the places, cuisines, people. That's not easy, is it? I can do without holidays and the only perk that I desire is my husband's company because no place is half as much fun without him as with him.